Eff

Aparently sending balloons into the atmosphere is littering....as birds can eat them and die.

Ugh.

well....now we have 10 unused tanks of helium, 500 balloons and a thousand paper cranes.

Um.

I guess we'll put the cranes in the river.

the birthday for the girl who will never get another birthday.

Wherever you are
You'd be 18 today
The sun shines a little less bright
I still love you more than anything
Wherever you are
You'll never get that chance to vote
Buy a cigarette - like you even would
Wherever you are
Happy Birthday Kelli Anna
Wherever you are
Know that I miss you
We all do
Wherever you are
I hope you miss us too.



A little poem thing I wrote in like two minutes. I might expand on it. It's not very good.


I was just sitting here reflecting on this time last year and how insane everything was. When Kelli turned 17, she knew it would most likely be the last birthday. And she celebrated with a huge smile on her face and like the sun was coming out her eyeballs. It was amazing. She was so brave and stronger than I can't even imagine being. She was an inspiration to everyone, her smiling gave a feeling of hope.

Part of me feels like I'm imagining this all in my head, that Kelli was Kelli, and the sunshine feelings and such were all created in my head afer she was gone. But I like them, so they'll stay.

So tomorrow a few of us are spending the day Kelli style. We're going to dance at a friend's studio in the morning, visit the cancer wing at her hospital - the one where she got all her treatments, eat at her favorite restaurant, and at night we'll see a play. I'm so excited. It won't be a day of sadness, but of happiness. And we only have her to thank for it.

If Kelli didn't get sick, I would have never came back to NYC. I love it here, and I absolutley detest California. I got accpeted to colleges around the northeast, maybe some would have been better for me, but her getting sick gave me the city, so I'd be here incase of anything happening. And it happened too soon. If she never got sick again, my life could have been completely different and I wonder what it would be like. I can't really picture it in my head. Does this make me sound like I'm happy that she's gone? Because I definatly am not, at all. Words can't describe how much I miss her.


I just wish that somehow, there would be a way for all kids to never die. And that no bad things could ever happen to them. Ever. Children are angels, and without them the world would be doom-and-gloom. That is my one wish for God, that no child will ever die, or be abused, or get a life-time illness, or just anything that damages their being.

Anyway: Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday my bestest friend in the whole wide world. I love you always. I can't wait to see you again someday.

The 2 AM epiphany......and Fearless.

I realized that nothing can change the past and that I'm going to hurt and hurt often. But I will continue to live and be a person. Nothing can change the fact that one of my best friends died. I've accepted it in my head but my heart hasn't and maybe never will. Maybe I'll never have all of me accept it. I don't think its possible.

I think i've completed the whole 5 steps of greiving. And I'm going to live because she can't because I know she knows that the eight months I spent......well, you know.


In other news, the whole learning guitar is going amazingly. I can play "Fearless" by Taylor Swift....like great song. Amazing. If you haven't heard it...go listen. And find an acoutic version.

I think what I love most about the song is the fact that love is fearless. Its being with someone who makes you feel fearless. Its dancing in the rain and first kisses that are fearless. Driving down the road and feeling fearless just because of the guy who's driving you. Besides, what's life if you are fearless?

The semi-answer to my problem....

Okay...so this fall, when I was talking to my counselor and was feeling much better and handled this all so much better, she mentioned the 5 stages of grief. I never really considered them fully until now. So. Let's review.


1-Denial. this happened before her death. I denied that she was only given a certain amount of time.

2-Anger. happened about an hour after the non-stop crying stopped. It involved screaming at random people and getting angry over everything about her.

3-Bargaining. Also happened before. Bargaining with the Powers that be, aka. God. about why this has happened to her and all other children, esp little children in general.

4-Depression. That definatly happened. You, reader, know that.

5. Acceptance. Part of me has, part of me hasn't. Someday (soon) it will happen. It needs too. Its only a matter of time. I know that the logical part of me haas accpeted it, but the irrational, stubborn side hasn't.


So that's the thought for the night. Opinions are welcome this time.

16 to 18. *Here's to the days when we were reckless teenagers*

Photo Credit...Kelli's brother, Ed.
Location: upstate NY
Who: from left to right, Me, Kate, Kelli, (in Ed's sweatshirt), and Ethan.

Location: Upstate NY....

When: Summer...06 or 07
Edited by Me.

Except for the fact that I envy people. Lets use the biggest example right now. The fact that I can't move one.


Let's take my friend, Kate, for example. Katiekins has accepted Kelli's death. So has Tabitha. They have moved on....strong, but remembering. So why am I still stuck in the past?

This bothers me so much. I talked to Kate about this and she said that she just knew it was coming and accepted it before it happened.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm weak. And I need to accept this. I thought I did, but the other night, I just lost it completly. I should expect that every now and then.

*grabs tissues*

Sorry for the rambling...and please...don't make the comments a pity fest, please. I hate it when people feel sorry for me.

17 to 18. "I close my eyes and the flashback starts."

Photo Credit: Me, taken a few sprin/summers ago.
Location: If you don't know....I shun you

I spent the afternoon looking at pictures from previous because I started to forget what she looked like. And then I spent the afternoon remeniscing. I forgot how stunningly beautiful she is...or was. And entering the hole I was in...





I miss her. Why do such horrible things happen? I do know there is one postive thing out of this, I had to grow up. Both mentally and physically. And I'm stuck in this rut of great days and bad days and I really hate circles. Even though circles are good. They repeat things...good things and yet again, really bad things.





I'm okay. I know I'm okay. Please don't make the comments into a pity post....please.





Someday, I will get through this. I will grow up and remember her, but not get...bad everytime I do more than just think "Kelli would have LOVED that." or something similar.





So, this is it. I'm done. I'm going to spend the night with Patrick Dempsy and eat Krispy Kremes and Haagen Daaz. Which will just ruin the semi-firmness my stomach has regained.

Writing.

Photo by me
Location - Central Park maybe.

So I'm writting a book. About her. About everything. I think I need to. Writing it, I think, will sort of help me let it go. Let her go, in a way. Get me out of this bubble I'm in.

I miss her so much. It's been six months now. Almost a year since she was diagnosed again.

I wish this pain would go away.

Going away....possibly.

My Nonna leaves for Italy next Wednesday. She's invited me to go back. I think I'm going to. I can ski, see my family, and go to Milan and Roma. It'll be fun. I think she's afraid of going home and being alone again. And she's offered to buy airfare. So that's nice.

Anyway...nothing's new. I've been a bum. I also lost it again last night. I went out with Ethan and we were walking to the car and I saw her. Like, physically saw her. That's never happened. And I was like "LOOK LOOK LOOK!" But it wasn't her. It was a girl, about the same hieght, wearing an outfit Kelli would have worn, and had the same hair and similar facial features. It was bad. But I'm okay now, I think.

And...hmm. There was something else I was going to say but forgot. Typical.

2008, a Playlist

Better in Time - Leona Lewis anthem of my year. because it all gets better in time.

I Still Miss You - Kieth Anderson the first six are all actually, I'll always miss you.

More Than A Memory - Garth Brooks "when you're waking up a friend in the dead of night just to here him say its gonna be all right"

Miserable at Best - Mayday Parade "I can live without you but, without I'll be miserable at best" This is actually a break up song, but that line stands out to me. I cried when I saw them live and they did this.

Breathe - Taylor Swift "I can't breathe without you, but I have to breathe"

Change - Taylor Swift "These things will change." it DOES change. it DOES get better. I'm living proof of this.

Halo - Beyonce "Hit me like a ray of sun, burning through my darkest night, You're the only one I want, I Think I'm addicted to your light."

Letter to Me - Brad Paisley This song is great.

My Wish - Rascal Flatts "When its cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile" Another life anthem. Kelli loved this song.

Mary's Song - Taylor Swift (this song will be on it every year) "You looked at me, got down on one knee." --the songs alomost over now :)

Simple - Katy Perry Its Katy, its a funny song, but it's very good. I love it.

Chicken Fried - Zac Brown Band "A pair of jeans that fit just right, and the radio up" This song is like, the twangiest country song, but I love it. Its simple and truthful.

Fearless - Taylor Swift "You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless, and I don't know why but with you I'd dance, in a storm, in my best dress, fearless" I love this song. I love dancing in the rain. I love date nights. I love kissing in the rain. Takes me back to, I think, Kansas, and it was drizzling, and I forced E to pull over and dance of the side of the highway.

I'm Yours - Jason Mraz Summer song. I love this. Even though my summer was shit, I would hear this and smile for 3 minutes. And its acoustic.

After Tonight - Justin Norzuka I have a *slight* obsession with this song.

Stay Awake (acoustic) - All Time Low "Before you ask which way to go, remember where you've been......dreams only last for a night" Okay...so this song is like 438718976109487610697130967 times better acoustic. They did it when I saw them and I was like...URGH because I don't like it as much with all the guitars and drums and bass.

Every Day - Rascal Flatts "Every day, you save, my life" I couldn't have made it through this year without a few people, one specifically, and that line is like BAM on the personalness scale.

Skin - Rascal Flatts "She dreams she's dancing, around and around, without any cares" When I here this song and see the video, I cry. It's Kelli. They did it in concert and It was just Jay and the piano and it was beautiful.

All these songs mean something huge to me and are all now burned onto a cd to stick in the envelope titled 2008 with everything I want to save. I suggesting listening to a few of them because they are GREAT songs!

A Quick Thought

I guess I never admitted to myself, or anyone really, how bad it all actually was...how it still is. For the past six - almost seven - months I've changed.

And this summer I was a different person than I am today. Now I am closer to me - who I know I am and was before this whole thing.

I think it was visible to those close to me. It wasn't Ally in there. It was something else entirely. There were days I never got out of bed. Days I didn't eat...days I didn't even get out of bed to pee. I just laid there and stared at the wall and cried.

Ofcourse people some people know this, my mom and dad, Ethan, and Tobie. They saw it and they were the ones who practically forced me to get help. Without them and them doing this for me, I don't know where I'd be.

So why am I telling you this? I think its partly admitting it to myself, and partly because when I came online, I came online in attempt to escape my pain. Because, online, you can be anything. I put on a mask almost, and said to everyone that "Yeah..I'm okay" and "It's getting better" but in actually it wasn't.

And it still hurts, it will always hurt. I am a stronger person now and am so proud of myself that I made an actual effort to live and have a life.

So now you know.

5 Months

Since Kelli left this world. Thats how I phrase it now. I miss her. Today was a tough morning, and day...but we got through it. We spent the night at my friends aunts house after all the Halloween festivities.

All in all...it was a good weekened so far.

So...goodnight.

Happy Day of The Dead (or Dia del Muertos)

STAND UP TO CANCER

Lets just say that there are tears still damp on my face while typing this. I decided not to mope in the past and cry over the fact that I will not get her back, but I can spread awarness and make other people my age realize how important and valuable their life is. I don't know if they realize it or not, but kids their age who are lying in hospital beds and dreaming of the day they can go home is something completly surreal to the normal teenager. Every teen has thier sturggle, but what they don't know is that there is a child out there that would trade anything to be in the place that you reading this are now. Sure, you're life may not be exactly ideal to you yourself, you may see your body in a bad way but they see it as something desirable because you are healty.

Tonight I watched Stand Up to Cancer and everything I've seen, the stories I've heard, and everything about these past six months has come flooding back to me. Today marks the two month anniversary of my friends memorial service...the day I realized she was gone. And now instead crying about what I cannot get back I am going to move forward and try/learn how to help people in similar situations as I was. Tonight marked a change in me - a change for the good.

So, in the process of helping me grow and helping others get better and find a CURE - because a cure is possible. It's tangible and it's in the near future. With just some time and money and research there will be a way to save someone's mother, father, sister, brother, grandparent, uncle, aunt, cousin, best friend.

Did you know that an American dies every minute from cancer?

I did not know that. I learned that tonight. Share that piece of information with someone when you tell them to donate a few dollars - because EVERY DOLLAR COUNTS! Tell your parents that if they donate $10, you'll donate $5.

Everyone has been affected in some way...use this chance now to make that something that no one will have to say, "My _________ has been affected by cancer"

We will be able to take the fighters and have them able to say I AM A SURVIVOR. because being a survivor is a spectacular thing.

Donate Now @ http://standuptocancer.org

THANK YOU

After everything thing I've been through these last few months, I haven't felt the same...obviously. I've never been exactly suicidal, but for awhile I lost my will to do anything. I've questioned everything and thought about why people die and everything about myself.

But there are certain things and people that make me feel just a little bit better everyday even though all I really want to do is curl up into a little ball and cry.

---The first being Ethan. He's been my best friend for the last 10+ years and he's definatly my one true love (I believe people are destined for one person for life, and he is mine). I love him more than anything else, and we've had bumps and are having bumps (right now and its all my fault) but from him just laughing at my clumziness (sp?) to just looking at him in the morning before he wakes up to when we're kissing I just feel like the happiest, safest person in the world. He's my best friend, and I couldn't have gone through this without him. If I ever lose him I have no idea what would happen to me.

---My mom. She's amazing and is such an inspiration dealing with so many kids is just insane but she keeps it all under control). Someday I want to be as good of mommie as she is. I try to talk to her everyday and I love her. I miss her a lot also. She's been a big help, and when I hang up the phone or turn off the webcam I'm always smiling.

---Its sad to say, but a certain online forum has made me walk away and feel just a bit better everyday. I can vent and complian and not give a flying fig newton if anyone reads it or cares. These girls (and guys - you know who you are if you are reading this) have helped me so much just by listening, replying, and saying just really nice (sometimes inspiring things that have changed the way I look at the world). This site has been a good stress and sometimes pain reliever.

---Everyone else without a long description: my other friends, my sisters - esp. the little ones for making me laugh when I didn't think it was possible, my cousin (who's gone through something similar), my theatre teacher, Kelli's mother, Ethan's dad and partner, Tobie (Ethan's sister), this list goes on.

THANK YOU!

More than a Memory

I MISS MY FRIEND. i thought i was handeling this so well, but today was just bad. I'm allowed a sad day everyonce and awhile. I don't like to say that i have and excuse, but i do. and i miss her.

so much.

i am listening to this song on repeat and crying.i haven't heard it in a month and when i heard it today i just lost it. i guess its just one of those days because for the second time i had a dream about her. and it was too real.

we were in school, back around 5th grade and we were at recess and she went down the slide first but when i got to the bottom i couldn't find her and i ran around and the when the teacher asked me what i was looking for i told her my friend kelli nad she said there's nobody named kelli in this school.read these:

anyway...I was going to upload a video of me singing this song, but this website is being an idiot and not letting me.



LYRICS:
People say she's only in my head
Its gonna take time to laugh again
They say I need to get on with my lifeBut they don't realize
Is when your dialing 6 numbers just to hang up the phone.
Driving cross town just to see if she's home.
Waking a friend in the dead of night, just to hear 'em say it's gonna be alright.
When your finding things to do not to fall asleep cuz you know she'll be there in your dreams.
Thats when she's more than a memory
Cuz when your talking out loud and nobody's there
You look like hell and you just don't care
Drinking more than you've ever drank
Sinking down lower than you've ever sank
When you find yourself falling down upon your knees, praying to God, begging him PLEASE
That's when she's
More than a Memory

more than a memory - garth brooks.

I think I need help

for my friend